It has been 20 days.
The first day.
I couldn’t get out of bed. I’d be awake every hour just to stare blankly at the wall. I was exhausted but it was the tired that no sleep could rectify. The girl who was never full was not even hungry anymore. I couldn’t breathe, it felt like my heart has been punched and kicked a million times. Loneliness felt like I was thrown into the deep dark ocean and everyone knew I couldn’t swim. The only hand that I’d thought would reach out to me chose to walk away. I was terrified.
On the third day, pain was a constant till I didn’t know how it felt anymore. I was completely numb.
Tenth day. The people who already knew wanted to help. But at the same time they were hesitant to reach out their hand, afraid I’ll drown them with me. I was on my own struggling to swim.
Twelve days of solitary. I survived on my own for twelve days.
Thirteenth day. I reached out to you. I couldn’t grasp your hand. I was losing you, I was losing me.
The fifteenth day. Praying becomes a constant. Although the pain keeps coming back, praying eases me. I had study plans with a friend. But I still didn’t have the energy to go out. I didn’t expect her to come by my place. My first visitor, my first rescuer. And I broke down. I stopped trying to swim. I sunk into the water and let her do the rescuing. I let go. I was just tired. And relieved that someone had come saved me. It wasn’t the hand I was hoping for, but I’m eternally grateful anyways.
Today is the sixteenth day. I woke up and I realized I slept the whole night through. I managed to get myself out of bed today. With undisturbed sleep. With more texts than usual. With a smile.
I started to think of the past days thinking that I would drown because I couldn’t swim. But it took me sixteen days. If I had drowned, I would be gone by the first day. Without realizing, I have been swimming in loneliness all along. It may have hurt, but I survived didn’t I. With the help of a friend, I got out of the water.
Seventeenth day. I woke up in shock from a nightmare. Suddenly I could feel that same lasting pain in my heart that I thought had disappeared. I had a relapse. I thought I was okay. I felt so disappointed in myself.
I guess what broke me from the start was that I thought I didn’t have to swim anymore. Because I had you. You were my lifeguard. You’d protect me. But out of nowhere, you pushed me into the water blind-sidedly and told me to swim. And what’s worst, you didn’t walk away. You just stood there. You just stood there and watched me drown on my own. You told me words to save myself but your tone was different. You didn’t move an inch to give a support. I almost couldn’t make it, but a friend helped me out of the water. And you watched on anyway. Saying you were always there along.
Eighteenth day. Walking alone in the light for 18 days.
Nineteenth day. You pushed me back into the waters.
Twentieth day. You walked away.
